Caregiver Resentment

Dictionary

re·​sent·​ment (noun) : a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury

Hmm. Alright. But what does that really mean and feel like to me in my world? In my mind, resentment is an unfulfilled expectation I have of someone who hasn’t done their part. They haven’t done their part over and over and OVER, like I thought they should. Stop. Notice I said, “like I thought.” Keep that in the back of your mind. Maybe they know about this. Maybe I have kept silent and stuffed the hurt, only to have it emerge as anger. Maybe I become cold, distant, and untrusting. Worse yet—dare I say the B word—Bitter. Maybe they are not capable of comprehending my needs. Maybe they are selfish or blind to self-awareness. Maybe, just maybe, they are dead. And I can never tell them how upset I am at them for leaving me or how much brokenness they brought into my world.

For whatever reason, I’m here now with it. Resentment. Some pain builds up, some just hurts. What do I do? I don’t want to continue to feel like this. I don’t want to resent the people I love or have lost.

As caregivers, we have a lot of emotion to hold all at once. We attempt to hold onto our own emotions and sometimes absorb and carry other people’s emotions as well. We are even told by well-meaning people how we should handle it. Because you know, that always helps us. NO, it doesn’t help. Please do not ever do that to someone! All that did for me was invalidate my feelings, and now I have another thing to feel I’m not handling correctly and didn’t live up to your expectations of me. Add that to the heap of resentment I already have.

Leading up to these moments . . .

An outburst. An ugly meltdown. I can’t! I don’t want to do this anymore! I’m done! Your mind is screaming at you that you want out. You’re numb. You’re angry. Irrational thoughts consume you.

Maybe you feel abandoned. You have felt invalidated. And it’s usually focused on one or several people. The darkest thoughts of how to achieve your goal—that is, to drop everything and walk away—flood through your mind. You want to be done. You want your own life; you don’t want to keep being hurt or rejected by the people you love. And if one more person asks one more thing of you, or tells you what you did wrong, or how you are not doing it the way they think it should be done, yet they pile the entire responsibility onto you without helping . . . Aaargh! 

But in their defense, they did tell you after you blew up: “Why didn’t you ask me? I would have helped. Where is this anger coming from? You always make it about you. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Yep! That’s it, now you truly may wall them off forever with resentment. In your eyes, they deserve it. All you wanted was help. You want to be validated or hear them admit what they did to you. Whatever the reasons are, does this sound like healthy behavior from any side? 

No matter where the resentment stems from, there are ways to unravel it and shift your point of view. We will never be able to change someone else, even if—or sometimes especially if—they are in the wrong. Even if they cannot hear us. Truth is, they most likely won’t save you. Start now. Save your own sanity, health, and joy.

Two emotions can exist at the same time. You can love and hurt. You can let go and hang on. You can navigate through the unknown while having support. You do not need to hold on to the darkness in your mind or the shame for just wanting life to be different. For wanting to be validated or treated fairly. The feeling is yours, and it’s real. It is okay to have angry thoughts from time to time, but it’s how you act upon them that creates a change. You are not the only person who has felt resentment as a caregiver, the sting when the family or friends you thought would be there for you turn on you instead.

Have you asked yourself why you feel resentment? Have you made a list of all the reasons why you feel it? Can you rattle those reasons off the top of your head, or is the resentment simmering under the surface—coming out in your health, your actions with others, and a lack of true joy and peace? And towards whom exactly do you feel it? Are you caring for a parent who was never there for you emotionally? A parent who abandoned or abused you, and now you are stuck caring for them? Or a sibling or another parent who left you on your own to care for the sick parent? Friends who never show up? Or the unfairness of a lifetime of marriage fading as each day takes a memory away from your partner? It’s all valid pain. 

Imagine what your day could look like if you laid the resentment down. If you had a calm mind and peaceful heart. If you allowed all others to deal with their own battle and reasons they didn’t show up for you or hurt you. What would it feel like to understand that they may never see where they did wrong? How can you navigate the intentional or unintentional hurts done to you? It does not mean moments do not hurt. It does not mean they won’t pay in some area, even if we never see it. It means we can’t change others or some circumstances, but we can change us. 

Saying these thoughts out loud to someone you fully trust can help you reframe and get back a healthier relationship with others—and more importantly, yourself. Reach out for help now instead of carrying resentment with you for years to come. What do you want? What would it feel like to not carry resentment? What meaning have you given to the resentment? Are you ready to see it another way? Become the person who is filled with compassion and grace. Letting go is always more beautiful than holding tight to anger.