Approaching Difficult Siblings

Here you are, sitting with your aging mother in the emergency room after her complaints of not feeling well the last several days. You are holding it together, patiently waiting. Soon the doctors confirm a mild stroke, causing an already difficult personality to become slightly more rooted in her unhealthy patterns. Here we go! Deep down, you know a storm is coming. You may not be completely sure what going forward looks like, but you know it’s on you to start making decisions and planning. You are on autopilot. It does make sense; you do live close to mom and your sibling lives several hours away. Yet you dread the call you need to make to them, uncertain how they will respond. Will they show up? 

You and (let’s for the purpose of this scenario give you a brother) your brother never had a close relationship. You hoped and tried for years to be close and all that resulted in is hurt, frustration, and resentment. You love each other, but “friends” like a quality relationship isn’t a word that describes the two of you. Neither of you are a bad people—just different—and you cannot get the other to see how you feel or understand you. Your feelings are never validated, so you constantly push or give up having any form of contact with them deeper than surface talk. 

Now where does this place you in moving ahead taking care of your mother together? Is it together? Is it all on you to sort out the care? Does he want to participate, to have a say, and to be included, or is it much easier for him to have his life, where his family structure is not upset? Or does he say he’s already done his part? Maybe he flat-out can’t stand your mother and he has anger. What now? 

How do you approach the concerns and questions you have with him? Do you feel it is just as much his responsibility as it is yours to care for mom? If so, what does that look like for the both of you? Do you wish for him to be there for you mentally, but do not expect hands-on help? 

What is the best way for you to sit down and have the conversation expressing each other’s expectations in this moment? Do you need a meditator or a mutual person you both trust and feel comfortable with to keep the communication remaining peaceful? How will you keep each other accountable for the actions you both agreed upon? Or is he possibly wanting to help, yet has no clue how? Are you open and allowing help? This is all hard to look at for some families. 

Without using labels, some of us tend to have what we call a narcissistic sibling: some may have the avoidant personality, some are just plain selfish, and others are the do-gooder that ends up not being reliable—they just love to feel important and talk about it while you quietly work away. Can I ask you where your personality is in this mix?

Depending on your situation and the dynamics that took place during your childhood—as well as how many family members are or are not involved—these conversations can be emotionally exhausting. What your relationship is like with these personality differences can make the caregiving process extremely beautiful or extremely difficult. Expressing expectations upfront, even opening the dialogue with each other, can set standards for the future and help to ease the way through an already difficult change of life.

Great, now how do you start when deep down you yourself have emotions and possible preconceived thoughts? Is there an area where you may need to reframe your own thoughts and needs? Maybe you are not sure what you even need from your brother at this moment, and that is perfectly normal! Just as frequent as your loved one’s needs change, your needs will change. Your emotions will change and can be all over the place. They may look different at different times. Being aware and on top of caring for your mental needs while taking on another’s needs can create compassion fatigue, burnout, anger, resentment, and your own physical issues. Having healthy boundaries with everyone—including yourself—will ease the pain and joys of caring for your loved one. 

You do not need to figure everything out alone. Asking for help is strength. It is powerful and brave. I encourage you to talk with a trusted friend or family member, and if you do not have one, find a counselor or coach who can help you navigate these feelings in a safe, non-judgmental, and confidential way. 

None of us like feeling that we aren’t understood, or that we’ve been abandoned by our siblings, especially when it is our parents’ lives that are changing. We want the best care for everyone involved. You do not have to do it alone. Clarify what you need from each person, and give people grace to not do it perfectly when they are trying to show up for you in the only way they can. Allow them to learn the lessons they themselves will take away from you having healthy expectations and expressing your needs.