Caregiver Fatigue

Caregiver Burnout: Does Any of This Sound Familiar?

Here you are. Trying to care for your mother with dementia and work a full-time job with a spouse and children at home. 

You are tired and would love a moment of quiet time for yourself. Instead, it is one more time hearing the same question repeated for the fifteenth time or more, one more stubborn outburst from her not allowing you to change the wet pants, more food spilled all over them and the floor, and possibly the dog walked through the mess at your feet. Or more fun, your mom found the front door while you were in the bathroom for a split second, and now she’s booking it down the street half-dressed. Full splendid moments of dementia and all its unfairness.

Hold on. Side thought: Isn’t it ironic how that works? How fast some people can be on their feet when the mood hits them? Yet, getting into bed or opening the toothpaste can take them hours! You’ve always wondered why. 

Okay, back to reality: The kind neighbor brings mom back and says cheerfully, “I think I found your mother again.” Your voice says, “Yes, thank you for bringing her home,” but your brain wants to deny knowing her and pleads: Take her somewhere else for me so I can rest for a bit. And the list goes on—spiraling into resentment for the loss of yourself and the life you had, and the loss of her life as she knew it—as you help mom into the house and softly close the door.

The guilt you feel for having these dark feelings chews at you. You wonder if you are a horrible spouse, a horrible mother, a horrible daughter, or a horrible human. You love your mother, and you know it is not her choice to be sick, to lose her mind or the ability to care for herself. But right now, it’s too much. You are burned out. You are done. You do not recognize yourself or feel who you are anymore. When did you disappear? Who put this on you? When was the last time you felt whole or laughed, or maybe even smiled? Where did your joy go? Where are the other family members to help you? The resentment builds quietly in you. Frustration after frustration accumulates. 

At first, you may not recognize it. Small things make you snap, whereas in the past you never would have missed a beat. This person you love and care for has not only lost herself, but to a degree has taken parts of your life by the sheer cost of care. You may have lost out on a career opportunity, friends, vacations, or a family of your own. 

Maybe the cost of care has stressed your marriage, and your spouse cannot bear you not being fully present emotionally. Your own kids are having issues, which angers you and feels like one more person wanting something from you. And really, can’t they see your mother needs your help? Your spouse is capable, and your kids can feed themselves! Your friend or sibling never asks how you are or what they can do to help. You start to resent everyone. You wish you could have your marriage back. You wish your mother wasn’t sick. Yes, you would do it all over again—but maybe a little differently. 

Ultimately, it is not anyone’s fault. Caregiver burnout or compassion fatigue is a real issue. We suffer in silence, because isn’t caring for your loved one just the right thing to do?  It’s not glamorous. They need us. No one else is helping and they cannot help their situation. The accumulation of grief, anger, hurt, frustration, family and friends not showing up how you need, pre-loss of your loved one, aloneness—all of the disappointments build up over time to resentment towards others, and towards yourself. What do you do? How do you heal? How do you choose? 

Saying these thoughts out loud to someone you fully trust can help you reframe and get back a healthier relationship with others—and more importantly, yourself. Reach out for help now instead of carrying the burden with you for years to come. We all know someone who is living in a private hell, whose bitterness has become their identity. Don’t allow your exhaustion to turn into burnout and harden into resentment. Your heart is huge and loving, or you wouldn’t be here caring for someone and sacrificing yourself. Reach out and talk about your emotions to help care for yourself mentally and emotionally, so you can continue to care for the ones you love.