Better Because I Showed Up

I have an amazing friend who is an EMT and firefighter. He is mentally strong and will charge head-on into the unknown anytime, day or night. He is humble, soft-spoken, and has a work ethic that’s hard to top. I admire his ability to keep going on days he’d rather not show up. He doesn’t give himself credit for the work he does. 

The other day we were visiting and having a relaxing afternoon, talking about work and events that have happened. Some stories are downright funny. Some are heartbreaking. Some are morbid, with images burned into your mind of the ugliness and darkness some humans can inflict onto others. I have learned over the years that there are some jobs where you are known for having a different coping mechanism, and this is definitely one of them. 

I asked him, how do you do it every day? Not fully knowing what you are going to see on the other side of that call you are heading to. We sat in silence for a while. Then he said, “I know they are better because I showed up.” He continued, “No matter what circumstance the person is in, they are still better than a moment before because I am there now. No matter how the outcome goes, at least they were not alone through it. And I pray.” 

I thought about this. He’s right. He’s not saying it out of arrogance. I fully remember nights I had to call 911 for my mother, who was a quadriplegic that I couldn’t get off the floor after she had a seizure, or when she had a reaction to medications, or when our home health nurse was on call and the catheter came out. And the list goes on.

I remember lying on the floor with mom late one night after we fell trying to get her into bed from her wheelchair. The room looked like a tornado remodeled it. We were both in tears but not saying anything. We both lay there in our own frustration and pain. I looked over at her, and she started laughing. I got mad! I thought, how could she laugh right now? Did she feel the helplessness I felt? Did she not see what was going on? This was a mess! Yes, I’m sure she did in her own way, though she wasn’t able to communicate it to me. But I realized she had me there. I sure wasn’t doing well, but I was there. Then I laughed with her, through the tears. We were exhausted. Soon the doorbell rang, and I was not so alone. Three EMTs came in, picked her up, and fixed the issues. I could take a breath. I didn’t know what the next day or even later that night would bring us, but I knew now I could exhale. I could calm the unknown, even if for a moment, all because someone showed up for us. This was just one of many, many unknown nights. It wears on everyone. 

As a caregiver to my mother, I never felt adequate. Most of the time, I probably wasn’t. Yet I did the best I could with the ability I had at that moment. The deep, silent guilt followed me for years, telling me I hadn’t shown up as I should have. I didn’t give the perfect care twenty-four seven. I couldn’t shake it. But I stayed and I kept trying. I wish I’d had more grace with myself back then. Trust me! It is much more painful to carry guilt with you for years after the fact—and now have to unravel the unhealthy beliefs in order to restore a healthy mind—than it is to ask for help in the moment and learn new ways to manage your thoughts and emotions.

Time felt suspended for me. Life outside the house was going on, but I was stuck. We were stuck. The pain I feel looking back at how trapped she was in her body brings me to tears even this many years later. It was a hard, ugly, and unfair life. Yet the beauty that came from the random people who barely knew us and showed us kindness, support, and help in the middle of the night—these are the moments I look back on with thanks, a tender heart, and gratitude. They dropped off food or sat with her so I could go grocery shopping or have some kind of time to myself. No, they were not perfect and they did not do things maybe how I wanted, but they showed up! They showed up the best way they could, and helped me get through the dark, ugly, and lonely places my mind could take me, allowing me to show up for her. Never underestimate what you can bring.

If you are a caregiver, please stop beating yourself up or letting guilt make you feel inadequate for the care, help, effort, and support you are trying your best to give. If you don’t know where to turn, there are many ways to find help if you allow others to know your needs. 

That being said—if you know someone who is a caregiver, please understand that we are not the first people to allow our needs to be known, or to ask for help. Yes, it’s polite to ask if there is anything you can do for us. Yet often, we do not want another choice we have to make. Caregivers are tired of making decisions! This is where at times it is okay to be a mind reader. See if you can spot a need or way to help them. Offer to walk their dog or randomly call to check in and see how they are doing. Bring them a coffee or snacks. Drop off some groceries. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t perfect. Or if you know anything about the specific issue or illness. 

Life is messy. We all need someone to show up for us at some point. You may never see how important your “showing up” is to them. Trust that you are enough because you are there. If you know someone caring for a loved one, what is something you could do to help them? What simple task could you take care of for them? 

And to the caregiver, can you accept that you personally are doing the best possible job you can? If you feel you aren’t enough, or if you are tired, burned out and exhausted, please reach out and talk these emotions through with someone you trust or who has lived through it. You aren’t alone. You are helping your loved one deeper than you realize because you showed up. Let others show up for you.